Monday, July 8, 2013
Pastorgraphs: “Without Benefit of Clergy”
July 8, 2013
Pastorgraphs: “Without Benefit of Clergy”
The first
wedding I performed after being ordained in 1968 was a modest hastily called
home wedding in a cotton field. The couple seemed very young, quite naive, and
very nervous. The bride wore a nice dress, but she obviously did not have the
money for a bridal gown. She was no less beautiful as all brides are on that
special day. The groom on the other hand wore his best (are you ready for this)
T-shirt. I kid you not! At least, it appeared to have been ironed.
There was
something exhilarating about having the power to pronounce a couple “husband
and wife”. They were not legally married until I signed the wedding license and
returned it to the County Clerk. Back in the days of Ozzie and Harriet,
weddings were a church-state partnership; a religious and civil event. Today,
in our increasingly secular world, marriage is almost exclusively a civil
matter. That is not a conclusion of what marriage ought to be; just a
realization and admission of what weddings and marriage have become.
Despite the
desire to get the first wedding under my professional belt, I still recall
feeling as though I was helping perpetrate a fraud of sorts. The young couple
did not attend my church, or any church. After that day, I never saw them
again. While I was honored to be asked to perform the ceremony, gain the
experience of conducting the ceremony without a hitch (pun intended), and
certainly did not refuse the modest honorarium, I was then (and remained until
my last wedding) uncomfortable – something I will attempt to express in what
follows.
Early in my
ministry, I participated in the myth that starting a marriage with a wedding in
church would magically increase the odds of success. But like many clergy, I
knew that when the couple walked out of the church, the odds they would ever be
back for worship and service were slim to none.
I will
resist the urge to preach a sermon here on how God was involved in bringing
couples together (Adam and Eve, Sarah and Abraham, Jacob and Rachel, Ruth and
Boaz, and Joseph and Mary). As a theologian, I could make a strong case for the
role of The Divine in bringing couples together, working out problems great and
small, and blessing the union with God-given children. Even with God’s help,
marriage is never easy. Without God’s help, a successful marriage is dang near
impossible.
Over the
past 45 years, I must have performed 100 or more weddings. Some were very
elaborate. One almost got called off at the rehearsal dinner when the bride and
her mother-in-law-to-be got into a shouting match over some silly detail. I
wonder how that marriage worked out? I wonder how all of them worked out! But
since my contact with the majority was so short, I will never know. Many I am
sure failed. A few, I know, have prevailed.
I know the
difference between a wedding and a marriage. A wedding is a social event
culminating in a legal agreement. Marriage is a committed relationship meant to
last a lifetime. Marriage has always been a civil matter. Clergy cannot start
or end a marriage; that is a power of the state. But in a perfect world,
marriage would be both a civil and sacred bond. The sacred part is not finding
a pretty church and clergy to sprinkle wedding dust on your marriage for one
day; it is a lifetime of making God a partner in the marriage and family. Even
then, it is not easy.
Rudyard
Kipling coined the phrase “Without Benefit of Clergy” in his 1899 story of a
couple living together without benefit of either moral commitment or the civil
bond of matrimony. It was a more polite term for “shacking up”. Today, clergy
are either not involved at all in weddings, or are being used to perpetuate a
myth in all but a few cases where the couple honestly makes the spiritual bond
as important as the secular.
If it
sounds like I am opposed to religious weddings, I am not. I am for weddings
where the couple does not make a farce of the sacred element of their bond by
using the church and pastor for one day. Couples would be better served in
spending their time and money planning their marriage than their wedding, and
realizing the important role God plays in helping the marriage succeed.
Otherwise, save yourself $26,000, the average cost of a formal wedding today,
and find a nice Justice of the Peace. But don’t ask your clergy to solemnize
your vows if you are not as committed to working on the spiritual parts of your
marriage as much as the secular.
Bless you,
all, Bill Jenkins
From the
Quote Garden:
“Newlyweds become
oldyweds,
and
oldyweds are the
reasons that families work.”
Christ United Methodist Ministry
Center
“Christ
in the Heart of San Diego”
3295
Meade Avenue - San Diego, CA 92116 - (619) 284-9205
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